Dear Mr. President,
You made it. You won. You destroyed them all. You are the most popular man in the world. You got away with everything. There is no one above you anymore but god – and like all clever people you know that god does not exist. Now, you even have the chance to become immortal. To be remembered forever. The ultimate attention. Just follow these three simple steps:
1) Publish a video on Youtube: MELANIA TRUMP SPANKS THE PRESIDENT IN THE OVAL OFFICE. Melania will call you “boy” and punish you for all your wickedness. I am sure you will love it. The clip would provoke a new record for clicks and comments on Youtube. You will attain new realms of public attention. And it will be such a relieve.
2) Next, invite all your friends, followers and allies to a party at the White House. Ask all the international leaders who want to be your friend to join, too. I’m sure Vladimir Putin enjoys a good party! Make sure there are beer and porn, drugs and hookers, in abundance. You’ll get away with it. This is the home of the brave and free, right? You have every right to celebrate. Call it THE INTERNATIONAL LOCKER ROOM CONFERENCE. Hire the most beautiful Hollywood actresses to appear as mistresses with big strap-ons. I am sure for the right fee Angelina Jolie will be happy to fuck you in the ass. Stream it on the internet.
3) Then: RESIGN! You wanted to win, right? But do you really want to rule? Why bother with the hick-hack of daily political labor and compromise? They will try to manipulate you. They will try to control you.
Surprise us. Show true greatness: grace and generosity. Let go of office! Let someone else be swallowed by the swamp. You’re a pioneer, not a farmer.
You will do yourself a favor and win the love and respect of us, the other half of humanity. Yes, make America great again. Be brave. Be free.
Felix Ruckert, January, 2017